Fat Clothes

A tale of cabbage roses and stretch pants

When looking for stock images to use in this post, I Googled “woman with muffin top” and got this photo of a woman who is indeed holding muffin tops and an entire muffin under each of the tops. I have long felt it would be advantageous to sell only the tops of muffins since that is by far the best part. So far, I have not found anyone jumping to act on my suggestion. I have not given up because for years, I thought selling only the marshmallows to Lucky Charms was a fine idea and then at last, someone did. There may be hope for muffin tops and bacon flavored Pam cooking spray yet.

I know I am preaching to the choir when I say that most clothing made for people who are over a size 16 (for women) is clearly designed by people who are confident we have no investment in how we look. There is a reason why most stores have a “Women” section where the plus sized clothes live. It’s because stores don’t want to put those ugly-assed clothes next to the cute juniors clothes.

For a long time, it was difficult to find plus sized clothes without gigantic flowers and large cartoon designs on them. It stands to reason that if I am a size 22, I must want a heavy sweatshirt with Eeyore on it, right?

In all transparency, I am more of a band t-shirt kinda girl and let me tell you, those are some choppy waters to navigate. For those who do not know, men’s t-shirts do not fit well on a plus sized woman’s body. We are the last folks who should wear a t-shirt designed for men unless we want to turn into a cube shaped Minecraft person. Any concert I go to, however, has women’s shirts up to 18 and men’s shirts up to 3x. Have they not heard about fat-bottomed girls relative to the rotation of the rockin’ world???

There are certainly some good brands out there that manage to design and sell plus sized clothes that are attractive and flattering and look like they did not come off of a rack in 1972. I am going to list some of my favorites, but before I do, let me talk a bit about my criteria for clothing so you know where I am coming from and how I judge the suitability of the clothing I purchase.

“Can I sleep in it?” is a primary concern, not because I am given to nodding off in random places (and not because I’m not giving to nodding off in random places) but because if I can sleep in it, that means it is comfy. As those snooty clothing manufacturers actually did correctly guess, I long ago chose comfort over style, so they aren’t all that wrong. I have not work high heeled shoes since probably 1991, although my friend, Rosemary, can not only balance on high heels as a plus sized gal, but she rocks those things. When I first saw her, before I actually met her, I was agog at the witchcraft of how she just flew across the floor on 3” heels. Like… daaaamn!

I’m purely a sandals (no wedge) and ballet flats footwear person.

My lovely boobies are forever part of my belly because I have yet to find an underwire bra I can stand to wear for longer than ten minutes or so. People used to tell me it was because I bought cheap bras (I did) but then I bought expensive bras that I actually had a lady measure me for and they hurt as well.

I cannot wear clothing that is close to my neck, so lots (and I mean lots ) of my shirts have the neck cut out.

I want shirts that cover my belly, so they need to be longer than a non-plus sized person would wear. I don’t want it to show my jelly rolls, so clothing needs to be flowing and forgiving.

When I bend over, the skirt of my dress will go whoopsie up my butt, so I have to wear somewhat longer skirts. I still have pretty nice legs, but nobody wants to be looking up the back of my dress (trust me).

I can wear grownup jeans with a button and a fly, but I don’t, most often because the waistband digs in. I wear the dreaded stretch pants leggings or stretch jeans that look like regular jeans.

Writing that made me think of this:

I am from Kentucky and I was raised in the 60s and you will not catch me wearing white shoes after Labor Day and if I do wear leggings, they will be under a top long enough that I wouldn’t be embarrassed if I didn’t have the leggings.

I can’t wear clothes that have the feel of organza and there are some really pretty dresses and shirts that do. For me, it’s a texture thing. The same goes for what Eric calls “slimy” clothes like satin and the slinky polyester blends.

I think that pretty much covers all of my clothing rules. When I go into a thrift store to look at the plus sized clothing, I glance under the rack to see which tops are hanging the lowest, knowing those are likely the ones that will appeal to me. After that, I’m checking color (I can’t do orange or yellow or I will jaundice out) and then texture, then style.

As much as I hate to even say it out loud, the much-maligned Lularoe has some pretty comfy stuff that looks nice as well. Around 80% of their items are total shit and are not really fit to wear, but that remaining 20% isn’t bad at all. I was snooty about Lularoe, having watched several documentaries on their horrible business practices, but then when we had the fire and I lost almost all of my clothes, one of my friends gave me a bag of clothing and in it there were a few Lularoe items. I changed my mind real fast once I put them on. I only order my Lularoe clothes from eBay or get them from thrift stores hoping that I’m helping a mistreated Lularoe representative and not the Lularoe company itself.

Torrid is, I feel, the top of the line as far as cute fat clothes go. Like with Lularoe, maybe 80% of their stock doesn’t appeal to me but I sure do love that remaining 20%. I buy used or wait for the sales. My favorite is the Torrid Super Soft line. They are, in fact, super and soft. The Hot Topic for plus sized people, indeed.

I tried Lane Bryant, excited about there being a whole plus sized store. Maybe it was just timing, but every time I have gone into a Lane Bryant or looked at their website, nothing appealed to me. I mean, this ain’t Haband, folks.

My jeans are Just My Size, Faded Glory, or Terra & Sky. I like capri pants, but I look like I’m four feet tall and five feet wide when I wear them. I am no Laura Petrie. I can, however, wear the demin stretch shorts and they are my summer go-to, along with soft sundresses.

Greater Good is a brand of clothing with beautiful, flowing, colorful clothes that I love. They have regular size and plus sized as well. In full transparency, I have never purchased anything directly from the company and instead buy them used because they are a bit pricier than I like to go on my clothes.

Speaking of pricey, Holy Clothing has unbelievably beautiful clothing and they go up to 4x. I do not have any yet and likely won’t because again, that is outside of what I’m willing to spend on clothes.

The same is true (all of it) of Pyramid Collection. Such beautiful stuff, but more dollar signs than I am comfortable investing.

I buy most of my clothing used, not only because I think it is softer and more comfortable once it is broken in a bit, but also because I feel like I am supporting an actual person or charity rather than a sweatshop company.

I sleep in nightgowns and prefer the soft, flowing ones made of jersey-type material. Eric says I have “nightgowns” and “daygowns” because I wear loose, comfy dresses during the day. I have one style of nightgowns I like, so when they went on sale for under $10, I bought them in every pattern I could find. They look like this:

Guys, I have to apologize. I don’t know how hard or how easy it is for you to find clothing you like. Let us know in the comments.

What are your favorite brands of plus-sized clothing? What are your biggest complaints and issues about dressing?

Truly, I’m not vain. I’m just picky.