In the Zone

Day 12

I went onto Google looking for some kind of motivating, wholesome, weight loss but body positive meme and after fifteen minutes and several hundred images, I have determined that there are none.

Many were about shaming. Some totally ignored any kind of pathology associated with obesity. “It’s not a mystery… eat less and exercise more, duh!” “You don’t lose weight from what you know, you lose weight from what you do.” Yeah, thanks Einstein.

Anyone who has never felt the compulsion to eat does not understand it. Of course, we are compelled by nature to eat to fuel our bodies, but the drive to eat beyond what our body needs or unhealthy foods comes from… somewhere else.

There are so many competing and theories and even ones that are fully complimentary to one another. As individual as we all are, it’s likely that all are true in some capacity. I think for most of us who have tried hundreds of times to lose weight, the most critical moment between success and failure is not the decision to get back on the wagon. It’s the choice to get off the wagon.

Why do we stop?

I do not believe I have ever gone off of a diet when I was being successful with the possible exception of Keto. Whether it is something genetic or a deep-seated need for the sweet things in life, every time I have tried Keto, a few weeks into it, I go into a profound depression. This isn’t just, “Oh, sad face, I miss biscuits.” This is an existential, life-threatening, chemical depression that becomes intolerable for me and everyone around me. It doesn’t creep in. It literally hits overnight where I go to bed OK and wake up fundamentally broken.

I have the pee sticks to measure ketones. I have the breath analyzer to measure keytones. I have the fat bombs, the pork rinds, the cloud bread, and pretty much anything you need to be successful at staying below that 20 grams of carbohydrates in a day.

Having lurked on plenty of weight loss groups over the past several years, I can tell you that the Keto communities are extremely proud of their successes and hey, I’m happy for them. Other than bariatric surgery groups, I rarely see so many people lose so much weight so quickly, but man, it isn’t worth it for me. The quality of life issue is more than just, “I have a better quality of life when I can have maple eclairs.” It’s the difference between being able to get out of bed and not.

In those times, as soon as I eat a piece of fruit, I normalize almost immediately. It’s bizarre and rather than testing any theories, I’m just tossing that baby out with the bath water.

So far, I am 12 days into total compliance with Weight Watchers. It is getting much easier as I go along, although some days are more challenging than others. Today, I ate lightly through the day because I planned a higher point dinner for tonight, but even after eating what I want, I will still have 5 points leftover.

Even though I have lost very little, my clothes feel looser, I feel lighter, my cravings are less. I consider that a win. As I said in the beginning, this is just a matter of racking up days of compliance. It’s about not quitting.

I have done a lot of thinking about what throws me off kilter. It’s not cravings or deprivation. It’s not great stress. It’s a lack of progress. My body adapts quickly, so eventually, it gets used to the new normal and works hard to sustain my current weight or new setpoint. After a few weeks, I start to feel like I am “doing this for nothing” and I give up.

I have to find the way to not give up and to stay motivated.

For now… so far, so good. I’m not at the point of plateau yet (I hope, we’ll see on Tuesday), so I guess I will worry about that issue when it presents.

Another obstacle for me losing weight in the past is just what Kermit said. The best part of my day has often been food throughout most of my life. Without going into details, I’ve had a fairly stressful life since I was little and only recently did I get to a point where things are low stress.

Like Willow Silverhawk said, every ounce of fat is stored trauma and when we release the fat, sometimes, we release the trauma. I am grateful I have not felt it this time… yet, but I started gaining weight out of profound emotional pain around 1990 and the years in between mostly added more stress and pain with some rays of sunlight in between.

Part of my resistance to losing weight in the past is that I do not like the person I was when I was a normal size and didn’t like her then either. I know realistically that this is moving forward, not backward, but I wonder if some hidden part of me is afraid I will revert to those behaviors. I know for a fact that I won’t, but there is a definite tug on that hook.

There is so much complicated pain in the past that I have done shadow work to heal, but yes, there is some I have medicated past with food and some that I shut away under lock and key. I do feel more vulnerable without the crutch of food dopamine to give me a rush of happy in the day. I feel out here all alone, even though I know I am not. I am alone in the sense that only I can do this and the success or failure is all up to me.

And there has been SO much failure. Time and time and time again. But it only takes one time to be successful and then I can live a life on maintenance.

I really do just want to see what it’s like before I am too old to appreciate it. Surely, please, Great Goddess and Baby Jesus in the Manger, I can find the strength and the cleverness to do this.