Keto Day #17

9 pounds lost since I started Keto

…and nooo pasta or potatoes or sugars of any kind. Also “Banana” above means “fruit of any kind.”

…but eggs… so many eggs and those nuts you see? Only 1/4 of a cup a day at most because they actually do have a carb count.

But it does seem to be working.

My previous post went into detail about the process of getting into ketosis and becoming fat adapted (also called “keto adapted”). I now have signs of being well into ketosis and having tipped over into the first stages of being fat adapted. I know it is still fragile and a day of markedly increased carbs could put me back to square one, but it is a wonderful start and I am grateful my body has been so receptive to this way of eating even if my spirit still struggles.

As predicted, once I eased over into being fat adapted, all of my physical cravings went away and I finally began to sleep better. The first 10 days or so were rough because I would go to bed tired, but lay there wide awake until 5:00 am or so, then sleep until 9-10 am.

The weight continues to come off at an average of around a half pound a day. I don’t imagine this will continue, but I appreciate it for now.

I did some intense research into my prior weight logs. My Fitness Pal goes back to 2014. I got down to 219 around 2000 or so. I have not been below 200 since before Delena was born in 1992.

1992… wow.

During all that time, I flew up and down the numbers, each time with the numbers getting higher and the weight I would reduce down to getting higher as well. I was usually in the 250s to 270s.

To compile some figures all in one place:

• Highest Known Weight Ever: 283.29 - 6/21/2022

• Lowest Recent Weight: 247 - 10/2017 (for one blessed day, then I started to go up again)

• Starting Weight on Keto Day 1: 260.8 - 12/26/2023

• Current Weight on Keto Day 16: 251.8 - 1/11/2024

• Weight Lost in 19 Months: 32.49 pounds

• Weight Lost in the Past Year: 17.8 pounds

• Pounds Lost & Regained: Incalculable, no doubt in the hundreds

Within the next week, if my progress continues as it is, I should break through to under 250 for the first time in six and a half years. Within a couple of weeks, I may even pass that benchmark of 247.

I just have to keep going.

The Hunt for Dopamine

I have done huge shadow work in the past two weeks, working through the white-knuckling of giving up all sugar products, all starchy vegetables, and all grain products. Although the physical cravings are gone, the prevailing lack of joy rushes I used to get from eating really haunts me.

No matter what happened, I could eat something and instantly feel better. The bliss that would run through me was like no other when food was especially good. Although the foods I eat now often were part of my prior “especially good” list, they are not as good without the now forbidden foods that went along with them.

Steak is not as good without potatoes. Hamburgers are not as good without buns. Ham and turkey are not as good without bread. Everything feels dull and colorless. I am grounded, centered, very present… but there just is not as much joy in my day.

Even the joy of seeing progress is disproportionate to what I would have gotten from the food. I’m sure that will shift over time. I am still dedicated to seeing this through and honestly, Keto is what has worked the fastest and best for me so far.

There is so little that adult people do that I enjoy. Eric says, “Just find a hobby. Find something you love to do.” I wish I could. It isn’t as though I haven’t thought about it for most of my adult life.

I do not like how drinking alcohol tastes or feels and I do not like to be around people who are drinking alcohol (when I am sober). That pretty well rules out most of what adult people do since alcohol seems to be a prevailing component to most adult experiences.

I do not like to shop for shopping’s sake, just for the fun of it. I was poor for to long to appreciate wandering vendor events or stores to spend money on something cool that I really do not need and would have been fine not knowing existed.

I love, love my friends and I have wonderful ones, but I do best being around people for short intervals rather than extended times. I get overwhelmed, over-peopled, and the anxiety starts to creep in. When that happens, I just want to get home and alone as soon as possible to recover and ground again. Often, even the drive home is almost unbearable until I can get back in my house again. (This particular challenge is greatly amplified since the fire).

As is evidenced from my size, I do not love hiking or swimming or working out in the gym or biking or yoga or aerobics or weight lifting or other forms of exercise. It was torture to me when I was slender and fit and I never got that promised “runner’s high” or any kind of euphoria from exercise.

I spent my life from age 10 on taking care of kids and family, working to earn a paycheck, and managing various levels of crisis management. Throughout all that time, fifty-two years now, food was the only constant source of unimpeachable joy. I did not take time to develop hobbies or learn how to enjoy fun things.

Smoking pot, gambling, gardening, art, crafting, music, animals, meditating, boating, collecting stamps… all those things that adults love to do and find joy in doing fail to spark any joy in me and I have exhausted ideas for what might spark joy in me.

Food. Food sparks joy in me.

I love going to movies, but that is now compromised because I will spend more time thinking about the concession stand, which has nothing I can eat, than I will watching the movie.

I love to travel, but this guy:

…loves me beyond all reason and is 18-years-old and counting and has an emotional breakdown when I just go to the store, much less taking a week or two to go anywhere.

I am not unhappy. I love my life. I am grateful to the extreme for where I live, how I live, and who I live with. This is not depression, but more of trying to figure out how to manage my weight loss long-term.

My hope is that once I reach my goal weight and get into maintenance, I can begin to reintroduce some of my favorite foods back into my diet on a limited basis. For now, and for the foreseeable future, however, I have to stay Keto-compliant to keep the momentum going.

I have read enough anecdotal reports and case studies to know that the weight loss does not typically continue at the rate I am currently experiencing with Keto. I also know how quickly my body adapts to whatever I eat. In theory, the weight loss will eventually slow down and possibly even stop for days at a time.

My goal is to come up with some effective coping strategies so that I don’t give up when that slow-down happens. Historically, when I see no progress for days or weeks, the deprivation gets its claws into me and I end up bailing on the program. I want to find distractions and new interests that sustain me during that time.

So far, I got nothing. Bottom line is that I am boring, even to myself. I want to stay in my house and eat delicious food without consequence and watch wonderful things on TV and never move of my couch while someone silently rubs my feet. Preferably, that someone is also the one to silently cook those foods and clean up after, then silently go away when I am full and relaxed and have no further need for them and want to sleep.

That is literally the only thing that sounds fun to me.

PS: Disneyland is always fun but involves travel… see Elvis exclusion above.