Old People Lovin'
A Handbook For the Persistent
*****Sexual discussion trigger alert!*****
Like any other aspect of sexuality, old people sex is a spectrum and all or even mostly true facts will not apply to everyone. A psychologist, who was also (gasp!) a “sexologist” once told me that “Everyone orgasms alone.” I drolly replied, “Well, maybe you.” He went on to explain that when a person orgasms, no matter who they are with, they go into a private, singular place that is only theirs. Either I am too dim and my sight to narrow to grasp the truth of what he’s saying or possibly, he still isn’t doing it right. Learn Tantra, bro.
Later, someone said to me, “We are each responsible for our own orgasms.” That was to cover the bases of how no one owes us an orgasm and we should focus on our own orgasms rather than what our partner needs and that also felt wrong to me. Not that I would want my orgasms to be some laborious process for my partner, but if I wanted to have sex alone, I could absolutely do that. As my husband says, “You can’t tickle yourself.” Sex with another person is different, both to the pros and the cons.
I don’t know if the fact that both of these people were male is something relevant or not. There’s no denying that men often view sexual interaction differently than women do and that men and women are often rampantly incorrect about their impression of what their partner thinks about their sexual encounters.
As my mom used to say, “I told you all that to tell you this…”
The generalities I list below are just that: generalities. They may or may not apply to you or to any partners you may have. Each entry on my list, however, is there because I have first-hand or anecdotal evidence supporting a “trend” that these are some real things that go on.
Old people still like to have sex
Well, some of them do. Many of them do. When I took gerontology classes, my final essay was on geriatric sexuality and I interviewed people at local old age live-in facilities to get the impressions of both staff and residents.
Most said that yes, they do still enjoy sex and many of the ones who are not having it really miss it. In fact, sexually transmitted infections are a real problem in nursing homes and other elder care facilities.
Many elderly people still enjoy falling in love or even falling in lust and seek out that experience. They are now free from the threat of pregnancy that hangs over decades of our sexual lives and finding love late at life can be wonderful.
In care facilities, the biggest complaints residents had was that for safety’s sake, there are no locks on residents’ room doors. This means staff or other residents can walk into your room at any time, which can get complicated if you are trying to get busy with someone.
The staff also lamented this issue, but had the “what are ya gonna do?” shrug about it because they have to be able to access their patients in case they need medical intervention.
Depression is also a concern, especially for patients in residence who no longer have their homes and especially for residents who aren’t able to have sex due to privacy issues. Depression sometimes carries with it a threat of self-harm, especially when you add in the physical maladies that sometimes accompany old age.
Since these facilities cannot reasonably have a locked door between them and their patients, it is inevitable that unfortunate walk-ins will occur. When I worked for a care facility back in the 70s, we had two couples who shared rooms, each with their own twin bed. Sometimes, they pushed the beds together to co-sleep, but most of the times, they slept separately. If they wanted to be intimate, we had a “Do Not Disturb” sign for them to hang onto the doorknob. That way, staff knew to be more tentative about entering if it was necessary. More often than not, they forgot to take it off afterward and would get mad when they missed dinner because we did not want to bother them.
In short, your inability to imagine your meemaw and pappaw knockin’ one out doesn’t mean they aren’t doing it.
Some old people are not interested in sex
For many elders, as they age, their sex drive shifts. If you have had cats and dogs who are spayed or neutered, you might notice that their sexual behavior changes. Or maybe it didn’t. I had animals that persisted in rampant sexual behavior after their surgeries and others who hit a complete stop on it. People seem to be the same.
When we are young(er), the burning drive to have sex can be a compelling force that turns us into heat seeking missiles. That frantic, scrambling, urgent force of passion is intoxicating and yes, sometimes causes us to make some pretty dumb mistakes. For many older people, that eases away into something less insistent. At first it can be, “That would be nice” rather than, “If I don’t get some release here, I’m going to start punching holes in walls.”
Somewhere along the way, “That would be nice” sort of degenerates into, “Can’t really be bothered.” I mean, it’s a lot of work and between bad knees and bad hips and bad hearts and a little COPD thrown in, it gets to the “Why bother?” stage for some folks.
Some older men have trouble getting or sustaining erections
This is one of the reasons why some older women degenerate into “Can’t be bothered.” Hormonal and vascular changes can cause erectile dysfunction that is unrelated to sexual desire. Many people do not know that a man can still climax even if they are not erect and in fact, the flaccid penis is often more sensitive than the erect penis. For their partners, the loss of erection can stop the sexual process in its tracks, especially men have emotional responses to their loss of erection. (Not sexy) The actual loss of the erection has impact, certainly, but the lamenting that often comes in response to it is a real bucket of cold water.
The answer, of course, is that once you know it might happen, have a Plan B to enact using other methods of fulfillment rather than diving into the wailing and chest beating and pearl clutching and blame gaming.
There are, of course, pharmaceutical options, but side effects such as headache and an inability to orgasm or get the damned thing to go down again can dissuade usage.
Spoiler: This problem is far (far) more common than it is often thought to be, so buckle up, buttercup, and prepare for that possibility no matter how supercharged you are in earlier life.
Most older women have trouble producing lubrication
The hormones, man, the hormones. We can be on fire, raging, raring to go and the inside of the velvet corridor is like sandpaper (80 grit, in case you’re wondering). This Sahara Desert has no oasis in sight and partners should leave their egos at the door if they start thinking that if they just do enough, they can find the eternal spring of life in there.
Use a water-based personal lubricant, not petroleum based like Vaseline. Apply a tiny bit of the lubricant at least 15-20 minutes before the sex act occurs so it has time to warm to body temperature and disperse around a bit. Even in the acrid conditions of the elderly vagina, a small amount is usually effective and using too much can cause that “can’t sustain a quality erection” old man penis to slip and slide where you don’t want it to go. There is a thin line between “just enough” and “way too much.”
After you apply the lubricant, do a little exploring and check the lay of the land. If there is too much, just wipe things out with a tissue and you should be at the “just enough” place.
Women should pee as soon as possible after sex
This applies to all women, but especially older women. During sex of pretty much any kind, bacterial collects into the urethra and peeing flushes it out. Older women, especially those who have had a hysterectomy, are more prone to urinary tract infections.
Intimacy is more than sex
One of the challenging truths about sexuality after a certain age is the vulnerability we feel. Those who had a rollicking sex life in their 20s, 30s, 40s, and beyond might find that as things start to sag, we gain a few pounds, and our energy levels slow, we feel as if we aren’t bringing as much to the table (or the bed or the kitchen counter). Toxic relationships from the past may have left us reluctant to connect with others on a deeper, more meaningful level and when we are naked, vulnerable, and insecure, it can be challenging to fully open up even to people we love.
If you have been exclusively with one partner for a long time, you may have lots of water under lots of bridges that causes some walls to go up. If your partner passes, starting over again can be terrifying, especially if you had a great relationship with your late partner.
There are many reasons why people of either gender might feel reluctant to be sexually vulnerable with another person. In any of these cases, establishing trust is the key and that often comes through experiences if intimacy that are not sexual. It’s scary and it takes practice, but it can happen. Sexuality is only one form of interpersonal intimacy, but for many people, it is an important one and one that is worth working toward.
Personality, of course, plays a huge role in this and we naturally expect no matter how much evidence we have to the contrary, that our partner feels and wants the same things that we do. It can be difficult to remember that your partner wants and needs something different than you do, especially when you can’t remember where you put your car keys.
My husband, for instance, craves that deep intimacy. It feeds his soul, helps him to feel secure in our relationship, and lets him feel like he is with the real me. For me, deep intimacy every day is absolutely exhausting. I don’t need or want to be deeply connected to another person all the time. I need space around me, free from other people’s energy. I treasure our connection, but after nearly 30 years together, we have to find some places of compromise and we do.
Kegels
Dr. Arnold Kegel promoted an exercise to tighten the pelvic floor and vaginal muscles and promptly named them after himself, because why not? Kegels are simple to learn and require no equipment to do. The muscle you will exercise is called the pubococcygeus muscle and it is shaped like a figure 8 if that 8 had a third loop on it. Top goes around the urethra, middle goes around the vagina, and the bottom loop goes around the anus. This all works together to hold your insides inside.
Squeeze the vaginal muscles together and usually, the urethral and anal muscles will also contract. This is why when women poop, they also almost always pee as well.
Over time, you can get fancy and separate out one from the other three, but the main idea is to squeeze, hold for a count of 10, and release. It takes a bit of time, but the muscle will tighten up a bit, which helps with stress urinary incontinence and tightens up the vajajay a bit. It also increases the blood supply to the area to increase sensitivity.
My first husband marveled at the effectiveness of Kegels when I was in my 20s and said with wonder, “My God, woman, you could fold socks with that thing.” Forty years, six big-headed babies, and a hysterectomy later, the socks are pretty much piled willy-nilly in a basket unsorted.
There are no good positions
You have to get inventive. If you have abdominal fat, especially if it lives up under your boobs in a faux pregnancy bump, missionary is difficult because partners are heavy and drive that weight into your lungs and breathing just doesn’t happen.
Missionary position also makes you a target for a waterfall of sweat and snot and breath and anything else adversely influenced by gravity.
Cowgirl is difficult if you have bad knees, bad hips, or a bad back.
If you’re doin’ like they do on the Discovery Channel, the thinning tissues of the perineum (the taint, basically) can be quite tender and start to hurt from the pressure of penetration from behind.
If your partner has a penis that is on the smaller side, positioning is even more difficult, especially if you also have erectile problems and a tendency to over-lube.
I have not hints for this. Just… best of luck to ya.
Pharmaceuticals are not always helpful
I mentioned that erectile dysfunction medications can be hit or miss, but drugs not at all related to sexual function can cause sexual side effects, such as a lack of libido, problems with erections, and palpitations on exertion. Be sure and research the medications you take and educate yourself about possible side effects. If the side effects are a problem, talk to your health care provider about possible alternatives.
Sleep is important
I have mentioned this in previous posts, but my husband and I do not sleep together. As much as sleeping together encourages intimacy and increased opportunity for sexual experiences, we are just not well-suited bed partners.
I snore, whether I am overweight or skinny, and that is a complete deal breaker for him. For years, I endured him poking me repeatedly at night, insisting that I turn over or close my mouth, none of which ever worked. I assured him that if I was snoring, I was asleep and he should take himself to the couch rather than wake me repeatedly. He rejected this idea outright.
He, on the other hand, takes up 99 44/100% of the bed, leaving me a little sliver of mattress onto which I can huddle. He flops constantly, spinning around like a damned rotisserie chicken. I have told him it is like sleeping next to a bag of puppies. He wants a fan going at night and I want to sleep in silence. I want to see a clock and he does not want to see a clock. I like the room cooler with a mattress heater and he wants a medium-temperature room and a cool bed.
After twenty maddening years, I started sleeping half the night downstairs on the couch. It was the sweetest sleep ever for that half of the night. *sigh* When the kids left home and the house burned, I took a stand and insisted that I have my own room. We both sleep so much better now and our intimacy actually improved because we do not spend our nights angry, exhausted, and resentful.
We spend time in bed together every morning and every evening unrelated to sleeping just to bond and connect, starting the day off feeling heard and seen and ending the day feeling loved and appreciated.
It would be simple to say that you get to craft what sexuality will look like for you in your older years, but in truth, it is as vulnerable to outside influences as it was in younger years. So many things can affect the ability to have sex or the interest in it. I think the key is to not completely rule it out, but to also be adaptable to individual circumstances.
Although always true, in our golden years especially, it is important that we take charge of our sexuality in the sense that we do not do anything we do not want to do and we find the wherewithal to experiment and explore the things we do want to do.
Nobody should have sex if they do not want to have sex. Compassion, grace, a sense of humor, patience, and adaptability are the best sex tools older people can have.
Well, that and water-based lube, anyway.
