The Croning
and what I learned from it (so far)
The above photo is me in 2016 at my Croning ritual on my 55th birthday. It is adorable to me that I thought I knew what Croning was then. Also, I really do miss that skirt.
For most of my life, I was the baby in any crowd. It did not help that for a lot of those years, I looked younger than I was. I come from a family of “good skin” and I eat pretty well so I was often mistaken for being younger than I was. As one of the few benefits, being fat means that your wrinkles get smoothed out by the plumpening.
That being the case, it was slightly breathtaking when life caught up to me and I realized I was a Crone by anyone’s definition. I just turned sixty-four. I collect social security. I can eat off of the senior menu at Denny’s. I had the seemingly required cancer scare and subsequent hysterectomy. I have only one grandchild and he is old enough to buy a gun… and likely has done so. I have six children, all born from my own body, who are now fully-functioning and mostly independent adults. I am an elder in my spiritual tradition. Checkety check check check, yep, Crone.
Wow. That happened fast and I got so busy chasing the things I wanted in my life that I missed a good bit of it. I lived most of my adult life focused on the past through my regret and guilt and the rest of the time, I lived in the future through my longing. I gave up a lot of my present trying to be what someone other people thought I should be because I respected them and if they felt I should evolve in the direction of their choosing, then I should work to do so. Of course, because it was not my own authentic design, I failed miserably and disappointed them profoundly.
Now I am, based all that collected evidence, a Crone, and as Samhain (Oct 31-Nov 1-ish) approaches, I feel intensely connected to that face of the Goddess. For a few years now, it has crossed my mind to wonder if this will be my last time to walk the ritual path into the Underworld and burn off in the sacred fire the things that no longer serve me.
In honor of that, her are five major life lessons I learned through my Croning, plus and a few for honorable mention. This is my experience and perhaps it will or will not be yours. Let’s make that number one, shall we?
My life experience is not the same as anyone else’s and that is OK. Often, we need others to validate our opinions and substantiate our beliefs. When it comes to it, that is what social media is all about. From MySpace to Angelfire to IRC and bulletin boards, almost as soon as there was an internet, we started using it to connect with others of like mind. Anyone who spent time on those forums knows the fights that broke out because one person had a different life view from another. One of the beauties of being old is that I no longer feel any urgency to convince anyone of anything I believe. I stand in my own truth and if other people are not there, so be it. They can have their own truths without threatening mine. We all have a piece of the puzzle and honoring diversity of thought and practice is just as important as honoring diversity of sexuality, ethnicity, or gender.
The mistakes I have made in my life do not define me. I learned from them and I look back on many with profound regret but they are not who I am and they do not tell my entire story. I have people in my life who I love profoundly who are unable to see past critical mistakes I made at terrible times in my life when I was spinning out of control and had no good choices to make. In taking what I thought would be the least damaging path than the others, bad things happened. Worse things would have happened on the other paths and yet, I lost people I love dearly because I did not get it right a good bit of the time. I am not my mistakes. That is painful for me, but... (#3)
No matter how I try, I cannot control the actions or thoughts of others. I can explain my position and I can apologize and try to make amends but ultimately, the choice of paths another will take is up to them. For a very long time, I worked hard to keep all of the plates spinning in the air at the same time. I tried to keep as many people as I could as happy as possible and that is how and who we are when we are in Mothering phase. I spent more time trying to please others and do what they thought I should do than I did following what my own spirit led me to do. I handed over my energy, my time, and my focus to the goals of others and often, the goals others had for me.
I could never live up to the idealized standard the people I love had for me, so everyone involved - including me - labeled me as a complete failure rather than considering that if I followed my own path, I could actualize into the woman I was intended to be. The best we can do is hope that in fully being our authentic selves, we manage to be of value to others and if we are not, then ideally, we somehow manage to be of value to ourselves. Ultimately, everyone must walk their own path and make their own choices both for what they do and who they are in the world. We can accept others in the clarity of their authenticity and welcome them into our lives or decide they are not a good fit for us and move on.Beauty is a multi-layered and nuanced illusion. …and that is what this blog is all about.
Body functions are vital and completely amazing. As a younger person, we take our marvelous, miraculous bodies for granted. We eat whatever we want, we sleep whenever we can, and we will poop eventually. As an older person, I recognize that there is very little that is more gratifying than a really excellent bathroom experience, a truly delicious meal that does not leave us feeling acidy, groggy, bloated, or queasy afterward, and a deep, long restorative sleep.
Honorable Mention:
Time moves faster. The rumors are true.
I cry easier and feel the feels in a beautiful, strong way.
I love more intensely but I am choosier about who I love.
I can appreciate little babies and not want any more of my own.
No one notices when I talk to myself or the invisibles because A) crazy old lady or B) she probably has a Bluetooth headset (I don’t) and is on the phone (I’m not and Goddess help anyone who makes the mistake of phoning me).
My animals love me and I adore them so much but I am more in tune with the cycle of life and although it hurts like hell, I understand better when I have to let them go. I grieve but I get it. I guess it’s the same with letting go of people too. Everything is transient and all we can do is be thankful for every moment we get with those we love, no matter how many feet they have.
Heartfelt moments are far more precious to me.
Photos are important. I know better now the value of capturing moments to see later.
Hugs are extremely important.
“Sharing space” is vital but alone time is just as vital. A nice balance is ideal.
There are assholes, there will always be assholes, and there have always been assholes and usually, the assholes are the loudest in any bunch.
The world does not stop if I say “No” to something I really do not want to do. I do not have to explain. “Thank you, no,” is adequate unless I choose to offer context.
Resentment is a poison no one should drink.
The Goddess can be kind of a bitch sometimes.
Pageantry and ceremony are wonderful in magic but end results and effectiveness are the most important part.
Not everyone is going to love you and it is a major error to invest more energy into pleasing those people than you do into pleasing the people who do love and accept you.
Hair grows back unless you lose it from COVID and then you are never seeing that shit again.
A handsome man is delicious but a stupid man is unbearable.
Trashy people live on drama and eat it for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and sometimes a snack in between those. Find a different menu. Hate and gossip are a heavy load to carry and it shows.
Leggings are not pants.
No one will find your money if you hide it in a thin sanitary napkin in your purse. Of course, if you are over a certain age, anyone who looks will wonder why you have a sanitary napkin in your purse.
Whether you exhaust yourself doing all the right things or do half of the right things and get some rest, the outcome will be the same...you will just be more rested in the second case.
No matter how much you fight fate and destiny, those bitches have GPS and will find your ass.
You are amongst my most favoritist crones! <3