Tuesday: Weigh Day

Day #10 = -3.4 lbs @255.6

I was nervous. Not gonna lie. WW has failed me before or I have failed it or I failed myself and WW took the blame or something. Fortunately, today did not let me down. Ten days into this process and I am down 3.4 pounds. Only 2 pounds to go until I am at my lowest weight in recent history, which was 253.6 on April 27 of this year.

Prior to that, my lowest was 247.6 on October 5, 2017 and for one breath of a moment in October 2009, I weighed 246. When I left Idaho in January 1997, PhenFen had me down to 221 (Oct 1996):

For the record, this is the month I met Eric and he looked like this:

Yeah, I know.

I really do miss that rainstick.

I was so close to one-derland then. From that point, my weight was either creeping up or sprinting up, depending on the situation. I would go on to have two more children after that photo.

Eric has never seen me when I was not obese other than in photos. My youngest three children certainly have no memory of me when I am not obese. There are people on my Facebook friends list who knew me back then. But for that, I would start to think it never happened. I theoretically have witnesses.

It happened. At least I think it happened. This was 1986 or 1987, so I would have been 25-26. I am 62. Please don’t imagine I am thinking I will ever look like this again. There is not enough magic or plastic surgery or healthy eating in the world to do that.

I can barely remember it. I hardly recognize that person, physically, emotionally, behaviorally. I wish I could have twenty minutes, ten even, in a room with her to roll off some urgent, vital facts to her.

I will, however, admit to curiosity about what the new normal might look like. After decades of obesity and three more babies since those photos, I know there will likely be loose skin. I also know that back then, I could wish 5 pounds off with very little effort. Now, post-menopausal, post-hysterectomy, tired adrenals, and decades of insulin resistance, it feels like I have to struggle for every ounce lost and then diligently gatekeep to stop it from immediately coming back on.

This is not a year of my life that I will spend to get to goal weight and then be done. This is the rest of my life. I do think it will get easier along the way. It is easier today than it was 10 days ago when I started and was wrapped up in sugar detox and heavy cravings. It may be easier a week from now when I weigh in again.

I also know, realisitically, that my body adapts very quickly to whatever I do with it, so the forward momentum I have now could abruptly stop and I could be in a plateau for months or even permanently if I do not make further sacrifices.

My son came in yesterday and offered me Reese’s Sticks. It took all my will to thank him and return it to him untouched. Sugar is instant, intense joy for me and that is an addiction worth having sometimes. Now, I get excited just eating my vitamin gummies.

There are still days I’m white-knuckling it through. I say that as though I have come some huge distance rather than just ten (very long) days into a journey of a year or longer just to hit goal weight.

I will confess that it feels like forever, especially when I look at how much of my life I have given to weight loss attempts. I am so very tired of thinking about it.

But for today, I have some payoff. Today, I see the results and that is gratifying enough for now.