Weigh Day~

Day 17 - +1.4 lbs

The closer I got to my weigh in today, the more I knew that I would not see a loss this week. Sure, part of it might be a self-fulfilling prophecy, but most of it is that I have done this for so long that I am extremely in tune with my body and what it is doing. When I open my eyes in the morning, I can guess within a few ounces how much I weigh.

So yeah, I’m up by 1.4 pounds, nearly a pound and a half, since last Tuesday. It’s still less than when I started and the non-scale victories are aplenty. My cravings are almost non-existent. It is getting easier. It’s not any more fun, but it is easier. It feels sustainable. I can keep going. I do not feel any intense deprivation. I do not mind tracking. The app makes it easy.

I am still 100% compliant, however, the thoughts are still banging around my head. The challenge I’ve had every single time with Weight Watchers is that I gain weight instead of losing. Why would I try it again? Because it is the easiest and most generous of all of the programs and I do not trust myself to stay compliant on a more restrictive eating plan.

“Will this time be like all the others?” (It is so far.) “Why should I even bother?” (Because I always talk myself into quitting and it doesn’t take much effort to convince me to quit. At some point, it shifts from “convincing me to quit” to “convincing me to continue.”) Will next week be any better? (Yes, probably. Lots of things can cause a temporary gain and often, after a small gain, I will have a loss the folowing week. My body adjusts well and in this case, adjusted quickly).

I would like to say that this gain did not affect my mood, but I asked myself, “Would you feel different right now if you’d lost 1.4 pounds instead of gaining?” and I had to admit that yes, I would feel different.

But we are where we are and I will just keep trudging on, eating fewer zero point foods and starting the strength training I have under the “intending to” category. I can feel the quality of life debate setting up in my head, but it isn’t there yet. It’s like the random sounds you hear when an orchestra is getting settled and preparing to play.

The nice thing about Saxenda is that I felt and saw results immediately which is unheard of and very encouraging. I phoned the pharmacy today and the pharmacist said they might have Saxenda in mid-November. Before, they thought they might have it in mid-September. It has been a very long and discouraging two months. I still have around 10mg left, and use 1.2mg at a time, which is a crazy low dose. I do not take it every day because I have so little of it.

I would so love another miracle like the first month of Saxenda. If I could have a miralce like that every 3-4 months, I would have this knocked out in no time.

There is a known rebound effect when people go off of Saxenda and my weight gain might be part of that. Perhaps it would be worse if I had not curbed my eating with Weight Watchers.

This is discouraging, but it does not discourage me out of continuing to try. I am not yet at a quitting point and cannot even see that place from here. My natural tendency when I am disappointed is that I want to eat. Since I cannot soothe my jagged feelings with eating, it kind of leaves those feelings out there unaddressed. I’ve tried so many different non-food strategies to manage uncomfortable feelings and so far, haven’t found anything as effective as food therapy.

Since that is not an option for me, I continue to try and process out those feelings without the dysfunction of eating to medicate. I am especially grateful for a time of minimal drama and crises (so far) to work on this. I’m not sure how successful I would be if the bottom suddenly fell out of the world.