Day 7

Compliance as a goal

I rechecked my calendar realized that at the start of this journal that I miscounted my days. Today is Day #7. So whatever is happening with my body at the moment is the result of what I did when I first started.

I chose Weight Watchers at my eating plan despite knowing it is sometimes disparaged for not having tighter definitions on what to eat or not eat. In theory, you could eat a bag of candy and use up all your points for that day and still be compliant. Is it healthy? No. What matters is that you stay in your point range. Mine is 26 points. They assign the points based on nutritional value and how much of something you can eat. Broccoli, for instance, is a zero point food because you will not likely eat enough broccoli for it to be a threat to your weight loss. It might be a threat to your sanity, but not your weight loss.

They are generous with their zero point foods. Eggs, chicken and turkey breast, most veggies and fruits, air-popped popcorn, and every fish known to humans are all zero point foods, so you can eat as much of any of them as you want. There are 40 or so weekly points that are a slush fund you can use if you go over your points on any day.

What I like about it is I spent so much time on keto tracking every macro, every gram of protein, carbohydrates, and fat, trying to calculate the perfect proportions to hit fat burning and ketosis. I got tired of thinking about it and the focus felt unhealthy. This way, I don’t think about the fine points. I just track my points and I need that accountability.

Just like I need the accountability of this journal.

I will weigh again on Tuesday as I have decided that will be my weigh in day. I used to weigh every single day when I was dieting and my mood for the day depended on whether I lost weight, gained, or stayed the same.

My goal is to just have a life where I naturally eat in a healthy way and can continue to lose weight without intense focus. If I make close eye contact with it, something in me starts to resist. This lets me keep it light, “This is just a thing I’m doing.” Not that it’s my whole life. Not that I am a failure if I have an off day.

So far, no off days. I’ve been Weight Watchers compliant every day and all of my weekly points are untouched. I am excited to see on Tuesday if I have lost anything. My bathroom is directly behind me as I type this and the scale is in there. I could walk in right now and after calculating for morning versus night weighing, I could guess whether I’d lost. Of course, I would exaggerate that morning-night calculating and convince myself that there is 10 pounds difference in my weight between morning or night.

I weigh in the morning, naked, after peeing, before eating or drinking anything. I try to keep it to the same time each day. If I have shoes on or I’ve eaten breakfast, I will convince myself that my shoes or my breakfast weighs more than it actually does. I have an amazing ability to bullshit myself.

On an earlier post, I mentioned that I have several truths I follow in this journey (like the 7 day rule of caloric processing) and one of them is that when it comes to weight loss, I will take every single possible opportunity to lie to myself.

“Just one won’t hurt.” “I have lots of weekly points. I can skip charting this high calorie thing I am eating or drinking.” “Is that a half cup? Yeahhhhh, that’s half a cup.” “You probably just need to poop.” “You can take a couple of days off and then get back to it again.”

I can’t get too regimental about this or again, I will bolt like a wild animal from this process. That is another truth that informs how I do this. So I have to sneak up on it by compounding day after day after day of compliance. Now I have racked up seven days. Next goal is to add another seven days.

That might be the way to approach this. My goal is not a specific weight, but compliance. In a way, that leaves the concept of weight out of the entire process. Just comply with the eating plan and the weight will take care of itself.

I believe I can do this for a year. If I can manage to lose (if we talk about weight for a bit) the recommended two pounds per week, in a year, I can be where I want to be… one week of compliance after another.

So far, I have not felt overly challenged. Yeah, I’ve had some heavy sugar cravings, but they are now mostly gone. Apples help. Sugar-free Snack Pack Vanilla Pudding Cups help. A carton of my second favorite ice cream is in my freezer unopened.

My brain still runs an ongoing litany of food-related thoughts. This would taste good. That would be nice for supper tonight. There is ice cream in the freezer. Is this food worth that many points? Am I hungry or do I just want to eat because? There is ice cream in the freezer. Eric is eating a bowl of cereal and damn, that looks good. I wonder how many points are in an entire cake. I could math that out. There is ice cream in the freezer.

No, I’m not going to get rid of the ice cream.

I do not dare to dream yet. I can’t let myself yet believe that I could again be a size 12 and run up and down stairs without clinging to the rail (it looks like Witchcraft to me now when people do that, but I know I did it once too).

While I wait and build up days of compliance, I continue to live my life, love my life, and have adventures. My weight holds me back on some things, but I can do other things. I know for now I have at least stopped putting on more weight. My hope is that ongoing compliance will help me whittle away what’s there bit by bit.

When a “normal” sized person looks at an obese person, they often surmise that they have some Big Sad or a dysfunction that causes them to abuse themselves through their weight gain. It’s often seen as a moral failing or lack of self-love.

I do not care what other people think. I truly don’t. But that being said, I would like for my physical body to reflect how much I love my life and how much I love myself. Right now, there is dissonance in that regard. I am so grateful for where I have landed and I want all of me, every part, to reflect that thankfulness.

I’m thankful for YOU that you took the time to read this.